It's Sexy A-Levels!

Why this blog must die.

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:22:00 -0400

We’re basically done here, kids. We’re not going to maintain this website as we have done for the past 3 (4?) years. We’ve outlined the reasons below. Mostly this screed is a result of Joethedough’s fevered mind - and while Flashboy and Qwghlm have read and approve this message, it’s he who takes ultimate responsibility.

1) Twitter has it covered. The hashtag #sexyalevels covers all bases and has basically always felt like the best way to enjoy the day.

2) We’re all fabulously important people now. Seriously you guys. we’re like the 1% these days and this shit does not look good on golf club applications. Or we’re just busy.

3) Our weapons are useless. In the 3 (4?) years we’ve been doing this, most media outlets remain unrepentant in their skeevy coverage. Worse, some of them have been being a little knowing and arch in their skeeviness. “Look! We’re being ironically appalling. Aren’t we adorable?”

4) You guys knew this was a joke, right? (Part I) People send emails and lose their tempers about this. And it’s kind of easy to get why. And - eh - they’re kind of right. Is there such a thing as ‘glorifying through contempt’? Because there should be. And this is probably what that looks like.

5) You guys knew this was a joke, right? (Part II) People also link to the site saying things like “lovely knockers on here”, and oh god.

6) This thing has become a feedback loop. Cf. “We’re being ironically appalling”. As Chris Cook noted in the FT last year, this isn’t just something that newspapers do in isolation. The news agencies only submit the kind of pictures they think news publishers want; the photographers only take pictures they think their agencies are looking for; and the more publicity-savvy schools only pick and choose their most “beyootiful girls” to pimp out to the snappers. So it goes, right? Nobody is shocked, shocked by this stuff. But it’s sort of begun to feel like giving it a name and making it a big jolly media in-joke is only reinforcing that - what originated as a piss-take starts to feel like it’s become a pro bono branding exercise for the whole sweaty-palmed business.

7) Smash patriarchy, amirite? We’re dicking about here, obviously, but at the heart of this one-joke website is the tiniest, most serious core of fundamental truth: This weird boner that Fleet Street has for soft, female flesh is not OK and we all pay a psychic toll because of it. Now you’d be right to point out the psychic toll we pay is smaller than that which we pay for all the other sexist bullshit in the world, but that’s scarcely the point. It feels all enabley.

8) Dude, aren’t you like, old? Well, I am. Chris and Tom are young and beautiful but I’m an old, old man. I’m 36. I have a wife and son and I moderate a website that collates pictures of 18 year old girls for a joke that even its creators struggle to justify. As the great man once said, it’s no way to run a fucking ballroom.

OK. That’s us nailed to our cross. Thanks for listening. We’re aware it’s absurdly po-faced and over the top to post something like this on a website like this - but we mean it. We’re doneso. Take it home, Annie:

Simply phenomenal leap in the Shropshire Star - Olympic standard...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 12:08:00 -0400

Simply phenomenal leap in the Shropshire Star - Olympic standard (via @fitzpas)

(Either that or they made her jump off the wall)

BBC Wales with a leap - 10/10 for enthusiasm, though not...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 11:59:33 -0400

BBC Wales with a leap - 10/10 for enthusiasm, though not co-ordination (via @darkcompass)

Wales Online with textbook hugging pic (via @JoeyeoJ)

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 11:53:49 -0400

Wales Online with textbook hugging pic (via @JoeyeoJ)

Another set of twins, from Heart.co.uk (via @angharadbyrne)

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 11:51:00 -0400

Another set of twins, from Heart.co.uk (via @angharadbyrne)

In the Bristol Evening Post: rain not putting off the leapers of...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 11:44:00 -0400

In the Bristol Evening Post: rain not putting off the leapers of Badminton College (via @annelidworm)

We’re beginning to suspect there might be enough material...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 10:02:00 -0400

We’re beginning to suspect there might be enough material out there for a super-niche blog called loadsofgirlsandoneblokewithabeardgettingtheiralevelresults.tumblr.com (from Gazette Live via @asianastroboy)

Update: Hahahahaha. Good work, @MusicGob.

Fame-style leap of the day, from WalesOnline. She’s not...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 09:03:59 -0400

Fame-style leap of the day, from WalesOnline. She’s not even holding any results.

We’d be remiss if we didn’t note this...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 08:21:26 -0400

We’d be remiss if we didn’t note this counter-#sexyalevels image from The Guardian of “a young lad reading his results and showing no discernible emotion whatsoever”.

The photographer’s instruction for...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 08:09:00 -0400

The photographer’s instruction for this ChronicleLive picture was presumably “pretend you’re in a chorus line”

Update: Hang on a sec - that looks awfully familiar… We can only assume they resat their exams. Then did exactly the same pose again.

Wildly enthusiastic leaping from the Manchester Evening...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 07:49:10 -0400

Wildly enthusiastic leaping from the Manchester Evening News (via @Mr_Dave_Haslam)

The Wirral Globe gets in on the act (via @David5tarkey)

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 07:33:39 -0400

The Wirral Globe gets in on the act (via @David5tarkey)

Strict adherence to the “boys at the back” rule for...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 07:16:40 -0400

Strict adherence to the “boys at the back” rule for gender-split jumping pictures by This is Staffordshire (via @gnomefumbler)

Top-notch photobombing from the melancholy blonde guy at the...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 06:40:47 -0400

Top-notch photobombing from the melancholy blonde guy at the back, on the Daily Mail (via @you_twits)

Amazing scenes (PA pic at Metro, via @grahampar)

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 06:20:55 -0400

Amazing scenes (PA pic at Metro, via @grahampar)

Twins! Leaping! PA capture some textbook jumping work from no...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 06:12:44 -0400

Twins! Leaping! PA capture some textbook jumping work from no fewer than three perfectly gender neutral sets of twins. Well done to all involved. (courtesy of The Telegraph)

Group hug, courtesy of This is Exeter (via @SimonExCVS)

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 05:44:20 -0400

Group hug, courtesy of This is Exeter (via @SimonExCVS)

The Irish Times brings us the first blonde twins of the day....

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 05:16:04 -0400

The Irish Times brings us the first blonde twins of the day. (via @paulmwatson)

From the Shropshire Star. Arty. (via @Welshracer)

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 04:52:30 -0400

From the Shropshire Star. Arty. (via @Welshracer)

Ever wondered what you can find behind The Times paywall?...

Thu, 18 Aug 2011 04:45:47 -0400

Ever wondered what you can find behind The Times paywall? It’s a boy who’s got his a-level results! That’s what makes it special. (Great expression, by the way.)